C: The Contra Adventure

Review by Captain Knucklehead

One of Konami's legendary franchises, Contra gave us the something to sink our clean teeth into: Running and Gunning, insane two-played action, shooting them maggots down, aliens, and weapons. A BIG variety of weapons. How can't you not love Contra, numbnuts? It's one of those titles that defined the NES. Yes, you got Contra, Super C. Even Operation C on the Game Boy and, of course the best installment of this series, Contra III: The Aliens Wars on Super Nintendo. (Did I mention I played that can of whoopass so many times? I still love this game even to this day). But then came the 32-bit era in the mid-90s and Contra wants to be a part of it. What did they do? Then attempt to make those 32-bit gamers and die-hard Contra fans happy by running and gunning through the path to the Playstation and the Sega Saturn starting with Contra: Legecy of War with the help of Appaloosa Interactive (YES, maggots. THE Appaloosa Interactive formerly known as Novotrade International! THE company famous for the Ecco the Dolphin series for the Sega consoles). When you pop that clean CD of Legacy of War into your big, grey Playstation....It's looks kinda mediocre, Due to the fact that it dropped the side-scrolling action and repalced it with a top-down perspective view. That made us scratch out heads. But, hey it's just Contra's first attempt on a PlayStation. It's an okay game if you can get through the problems of this game, could've been better.

But wait, that's not the game I'm gonna review. The one I'm gonna review is the second Contra game exclusively on the PSX from 1998. The game that so bad, it puts Konami and Appaloosa to shame! The game...is the goddamn C: The Contra Adventure. To add insult to injury, it's worse than its subpar predecessor, Legacy of War.

Where do I begin? First...Nothing can be said about those piss-poor graphics in The Contra Adventure. Hell, look at the title screen! This piece of maggot s**t looks like its drawn by a fourth-grader from art class! The in-game graphics of The Contra Adventure makes me want to cringe. A LOT. They look like ugly-ass blocky polygonal characters (The Fighting Polygon Team from Super Smash Bros is better than The Contra Adventure's piece of polygonal s**t), and the sprite explosions are putrid and vile. In other words: IT. SUCKED. I have no more words on the graphics. It just plain sucks and I don't like that.

Second is the presentation. I'll keep it short and simple. They look generic and boring as s**t. I mean...look at the FMV and the menus, could this be any more generic than this?? 

And finally...good lord...the gameplay. The gameplay is played from two perspective. The first perspective is a side-scroller, which is an attempt to return to its old school roots. The second is a top-down perspective, as seen in its previous game. At first, I thought it sounds like the Contra I knew back then. Sure you get the spinning jumps, the ability to fire your weapons while ducking, the hovering power-up containers and even multiple weapons like the spread gun. But then, nature strikes. This perspectives lacks the quality for a game that attempted to go back to the roots of the old school Contra we know and love. The weapons even lacks the quality, due to the fact that the sound effects sounds like an abysmal trainwreck. Even the shots fired doesn't look impressive or intruguing either. Another big problem is that this game is only a one-player game. You got to be s**ting me. You expect me to play through the whole enchliada without one of my maggots? And Holy Jesus, this game's difficulty is UNHOLY! And when I say "unholy", I mean if you die from taking too much damage (Yes, they included a lifebar in this game rather than the "get hit once and you die" one from the NES/SNES era) after "almost" making it to the end of the level...What does the game do? A) Start you over from where you left off, B) Starts you over at the boss or C) Starts you ALL the way back at the beginning of the level. If you answer C, that you are correct maggots. If you die once, you'll be forced to do the ENTIRE level all over again! That's not cool! That's unfair! In the previous installments It makes you want to turn off your PlayStation, take The Contra Adventure CD and smash it into pieces with a hammer! Add some Hammer music from Donkey Kong if you feel like it too!

I got many more things that are wrong with The Contra Adventure...but I can't take this s**t anymore. Sorry, but I'm done. If you're a fan of the Contra franchise like me, stay away from that piece of trash. It nearly killed this legendary franchise. Gone is the excellent level design, the cool bosses, the adrenaline pumping action and of course...the high octane fun and In with the piss-poor graphics, generic bosses, vile level design, atrocious collision detection and a sheer amount of awfulness. Wouldn't you believe that this game is so bad, it was only released in North America? Yeah, it was only released in North America! Not Japan, not Europe and not even Australia, the damn country down under! That sums it all up now! If you want the real Contra experience, go play the Contra games on the NES and SNES numbnuts. Pretend that this piece of trash The Contra Adventure never existed and live on with your life! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be deploying my NES to play the original Contra.

Presentation: 2 out of 10

FMV looks boring and the menus are generic. It makes me wanna yawn from seeing this piece of trash.

Graphics: 1 out of 10

Blocky polygons, horrendous sprites (including the explosions).

Sound: 2.5 out of 10

The sound effects of the weapons doesn't look real. I have no comment on the generic music.

Gameplay: 1 out of 10

Ugly collision detection, unfair difficulty, and the lack of two-player mode. Dammit Appaloosa, Why did you remove that only good feature?

FINAL SCORE: 1 out of 10

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