Grand Theft Auto V

Review by Edward Varnell

Rockstar Games got lucky.  I mean real lucky setting a milestone with one of their well known franchise that more teens and some adults find fun.  I can't fault them on the sale of 1 billion dollars in 3 days and I was one who was guilted into helping set that milestone.

What could it be (instead of the obvious of the title of this review)?

Greedy Taking Animals, I mean, Grand Theft Auto, is terrible from the time you swipe your credit card to when you realize you been had for purchesing a well developed game of brokenness.  This game hasn't evolved since GTA 3 and doesn't plan to.  With mind numbing missions, questional flight controls, and dialouge that makes you wish Dan Houser and Rupert Humphries went to a script writing class and actually learn how do one.

Why did it make all this money? Well, maybe the 25 minute install which led into another 25 minutes install OF THE STORY MODE may have something to do with it.  This, being on the PS3, took that long.  That couldn't be it.  Maybe it's the fact your thrown in the past and force to play a lame robbery shoot out and given a pen point white dot as a reticle with sensitivity issues that a male model can relate too if their photos were taken from a Fisher Price Kid Zoom camera and photoshop by blind mimes.

I think it's from the horrendous flying mechanic that took inspiration by crossing a PC flight simulator with controls from E.T on the Atari.   They couldn't program a dove, made out of origami, to fly right.  Don't forget the toy airplane in Vice City and those absymal flying stages.  It's a shame in the modern age that Star Fox for Super Nintendo can control better than this game.

How about we add some annoying AI who will berated you in the beginning missions.  For instance, your mission is to shoot a man's motorcycle.  You're task with driving the car itself and you have to shoot the motorcycle too while listening to the AI in the passager side talk his mouth off and not help at all.  Where is the option to bust him in his lip?  He could have drove Rockstar but I forgot how you develop games.

Three mindless characters with no character depth but rage and big talk.  Crazy Taxi driving mechanics done on a Commadore 64 with ice slope turns. RPG moments that don't affect your character in any major way.  Mission that take way too long due to multiple task each character does. A yawnful ending that doesn't pay off after a long shootout.  At one point of the game, you have to make a decision for your characters which doesn't contain having them commit seppaku from all the embarrassment Rockstar put them through.

I mean what more can I say? I know why I was sold on it.  I got a $15.00 gift card that I used on The Legend Of Zelda Windwaker HD.  I needed something to cleanse my plate and play a game that was well crafted, fun, and memorable.  Not something thrown together like The Room, piece with scotch tape, and cover itself in glow lights to parade to the masses.

Grand Theft Auto was a Major Steal Wreckage.

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