Dark Castle (Genesis)

Review by Captain Knucklehead

.....Dark Castle on the Sega Genesis.....

Released in 1991, it was published by Electronic Arts, and good god it's horrendous! I don't even know where to start! Not only this piece of trash is balls-to-the-wall bad, it's one of the worst Genesis games I've ever deployed, that's what! You numbnuts want to know why this piece of trash must be avoided at all costs? Then sit back as I give you the many many MANY problems of this vile piece of trash.

Our first target is the Plot. Oh wait, THERE IS NO PLOT! All you know is that your a prince that looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, who must stop the Black Knight. That's it! No explanation, no storyline, NO PLOT! NADA!

Our next target is the Music/Sound in this game. It's not that bad since the game has Toccata Fugue in D Minor, known for the theme song of Dracula. At least its decent. But there is got one problem about this music. This is the ONLY song that played throughout the entire game! Let me tell you, if you play this game as long as possible, this song is going to enter your ears and seared your goddamn eardrums like mad! And don't get me start on the *shivers* annoying sound effects...Our third target is the Graphics. The sprites looks like they move like rusty robots. That wimpy main character, however, looks remotely like a human and has some ugly choppy animation. Hell, even the enemies are also choppy and poorly drawn! I mean look at the rats and bats! Rats looks like puny brown balls and bats looks like tiny black balls with wings! I've seen the Master System games with better graphic than this vile, digusting pile of crap. And look at those backgrounds. They're just gray outlines of the castle walls and the outside levels have only little green and black colors that attempted to create a spooky feeling, but that failed so hard due to the lack of detail and the pitiful bland design! They're aren't horrible, but they're mediocre at its finest.

Now for the main event, The Gameplay: As soon as you start the game, you'll be treated to a selection of which door you can enter. Each door takes you to a stage. And I kid you not, you ain't gonna like this after a minute or two in this game. Hell, you'll even ragequit as soon as you will witness the damage you'll suffer from this game already! Within the first minutes or two, as soon as you start the level, the sluggish, atrocious controls will kick your sorry asses instantly. For example, if you feel like attacking an incoming enemy like... A BAT!! It swoops down and you must react to the flying enemy. What do you do to kill that bat? Rocks. That's it. JUST ROCKS! Who the hell thinks it's a good idea to have rocks as the main weapon in this game?! Anyway..., you must use your D-pad to raises his wimpy arm in the right direction in order to aim at that bat. Sound easy right? Wrong! This numbnut takes forever to raise his lazy arm to aim and instead he becomes vulnerable to attacks from enemies, killing him first before he kill the enemy with just rocks! Oh, It gets worse, retro maggots... and mean very WORSE. If you get hit once, just one single time, YOU'RE DEAD! If you die, you'll have to start all the way back to the beginning of the room again. That mean you got to do the entire crap all over again! But Wait, There's more! There's some items you must pick up! How you ask? Have fun figuring it out because you'll be spending minutes figuring it out which buttons picks up the item! Another problem is that when you fall at a great distance, you'll become dizzy for a brief period of time, making it MORE easier for the enemies to kill you! WHO THE HELL PROGRAMMED THIS?! Do they look blast processing to you?! Absolutely NOT!

Good. God. Dark Castle on Genesis isn't just bad, it's REALLY bad! It's a grand champion of bad early 90s video games! From the slow, lacking movement of the main character, the abominable backgrops, the unresponsive controls, the ear-raping sound effects and the absence of a storyline, and not to mention the only weapon in this game is throwing goddamn rocks, this unplayable game is the enemy! If you see this vile piece of trash that is Dark Castle on Genesis, run away numbnuts! Run away as far as possible!

PLOT: 0/10

What plot? This plot ain't got no story or explanation at all!

MUSIC/SOUND: 1/10

That only song in this game played over and over will sear your eardrums so bad, you'll be forced to mute the TV

GRAPHICS: 3/10

They looks mediocre with choppy animation and bland detail and design.

GAMEPLAY/CONTROLS: 0/10

Controls are hilariously awful, not to mention you control a clumsy, inexperience imbecile who can barely walk up steps and takes forever to throw rocks at incoming enemies! The gameplay.... do I even need to say it??

FINAL SCORE: 1 out of 10

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